When I say there are monsters in my head, it’s because there really are.
They’re scary. They lurk in the dark. They cause me nightmares that leave me waking up drenched in my own sweat, with panic coursing through my veins. They’re always there, even if you turn a nightlight on, and check the in closet or under the bed first.
Even though I know these monsters are only in my head, it doesn’t keep them at bay. It doesn’t keep them from intruding on my life whenever they want. They don’t care whether they come knocking at the most inopportune times, or when I’m already feeling vulnerable and insecure. If anything, they see those times as an opening to slip in, undetected, before they start wreaking havoc on my life.
These monsters cause me to be cautious, and often afraid, of what could be around the next corner. Will they be there, waiting for me? How many of them will there be? Enough to make me run away, hide under a blanket, and stay there until they’re gone? Or, even worse, until they come to kill me?
Sometimes I try to drown them out with alcohol. Sometimes I get so damn high that I can just laugh at them, or at least pretend they’re a figment of my stoned imagination. Sometimes I cause myself physical harm or pain to take my mind off of them. But, those are only brief moments of relief from the monsters. They will always come crawling back, screaming, antagonistic, angry.
The angry monsters are the worst. They cause me to do things that make me afraid of myself. Sometimes they even make others afraid of me. Angry monsters can come out of nowhere, or they can slowly start building up an army until they come bursting out, frenzied, ready to ravage everything in their paths.
There are monsters that make me doubt myself, or hate myself, or make me feel like I’m worthless, insignificant, miniscule. Like no one could love me, or want to be around me. They make me feel like people are better off without me, or that the world would be better off without me.
I try my best to fight them, silence them, or at the very least, suppress them. I try to beat them back with the fiery, tenacious side of me that seems to weaken with every blow I attempt on them. And I’m not sure how much longer I can hold them off before they overtake me.
These monsters… They are my thoughts.