I am writing,
again
Writing because I don’t know what I’ll do
if I don’t force my fingers to keep
tap,
tap,
tapping on the keyboard
Writing because I’m worried the monsters in my head are
winning this time

I’m scared how much it hurts to live
right now
The darkness is enveloping me like a cloud of
despair,
filling my lungs until I feel like I can barely
breathe

I grasp for air
again,
and again,
and again
as one of my cats jumps down from the desk and
leaves the room
Unaware of the suffering I’m enduring
Unaware of the thin line I’m walking right now between life
and death

Life
and
death

Life is… it’s like a mountain I have to climb
Happiness is at the
top
Hopelessness is at the
bottom
And I
climb,
and climb,
and climb
Exhausted
Drained
Losing the will to keep climbing with every step I take
It seems like I’ll never make it to the top

Then, through the cloud of darkness,
I can see the top of the mountain!
So close, but still so far
But I keep
climbing,
climbing,
climbing
Until an avalanche comes roaring down the mountainside
I can feel the ground start to shake beneath
my feet, unsteady

I can see the snow,
and the cold,
and the darkness getting
closer,
closer,
closer

I wish I could run,
hide,
huddle up somewhere until it
passes
But I can never get out of the way in time,
and the avalanche drags me
down,
down,
down

As I tumble down the side of the mountain,
I can feel every tree branch,
every rock,
even the tiny little pebbles
They all bruise my skin,
tear at my face

Going down the mountain hurts even more than the pain of
climbing up it
And I know that once I land at the
bottom
Once I am back on the
flat ground of
hopelessness
I’ll have to brush myself off and begin the climb
again

One thought on “Life is like a Mountain

  1. I wish so badly you would let me help you. I have been there. I know what I and my doctors did wrong but more imprtantly I know what we did right. I have been anxiety free for 20 years. What you have been through with your photograhy trips would give anyone PTSD. I went through the withdrawals, thought I could ‘tough it out’. I have reached out on Facebook and on Twitter. If you have been on medication for so long you are on the WRONG medication. Psych meds are unfortunately unpredictable and what works for one person at what dose is different for everyone. Even something like quitting smoking can throw you back into a tailspin. Nicotine changes the way your body absorbs medication. My first withdraw was back when docs had thought valium was a miracle drug and they took me OFF it in 4 days, when it should have been four MONTHS. I have PTSD just from THAT experience! I know I can help you because I made ALLthe same mistakes you are making:
    If they are smart,
    They watch us unfold
    Our secrets.
    The rude ones
    Take notes.
    They make me laugh!
    Don’t they know
    We edit
    Incessantly?
    They love to interpret
    With minds poisoned
    By their own sickness.
    Playback their own problems;
    Try to make them fit.
    Go home and drug their wives.
    Some of us get well
    In spite of them.
    How puffed up they get!
    Filthy plaigiarists,
    Stealing not stories
    But lives.
    We let some of them think
    they are smarter than
    we.
    Stupid toys!
    Don’t they know
    Children in playpens
    Will eat
    Whatever falls
    Through the bars?

Leave a Reply